In a slump

November 19, 2011 my grandfather died the day after we did his Thanksgiving meal. Grandaddy had Alzheimer's for 7 years that we know of, and in the end throat cancer is what killed him. Grandaddy always beat what ever odd or prediction they set for him.  Doctors said

Only 5 years in Alzheimer's
Only 6 weeks to live with Cancer
Hospice said only 2 weeks until hes gone.

Grandaddy

Lasted 7 years with Alzheimer's
Almost 8 months after the prognosis of Cancer
Lasted 4 weeks when they said 2

His passing took me by surprise, I knew it was coming. Yes I had time to prepare and during those last few months God blessed me with a few moments of knowing he knew who I was; it had been 7 long years of him not knowing me. Its selfish I know but I really wanted to know he didn't forget me. I expected grandaddy to surpass them all and a cure for Alzheimer's would be found, he would get it and be cured!! I know many of you say that's not realistic expectation but I am sorry I believe in a God where that is totally possible! I am not mad at God in anyway for him passing, I am sad that one of the most important people in my life is now gone.

November 5,  2012 my grandmother (my grandaddys wife) also passed away from cancer. She was an utter surprise, yes she was declining but its par for the course, unfortunately, with Alzheimer's. The quick passing from cancer was a shock. Seriously 3 days from diagnosis to death.

I know that its life, with birth there is death and no matter what..it hurts. I have honestly been in a kind of slump the last few months and haven't been able to pull my self from it. I dont think I am depressed as I survive on little sleep (because I cant quit reading at night, dang Nook allowing me to read in the dark! lol :)  ), I dont feel depressed, I dont cry (well all moms cry but I mean no more than the norm), I dont have dark or bad thoughts, I enjoy life and I laugh all the time, I have been keeping to my self more often and everyone says I have been weird. I have been really busy with family and agriculture obligations the past 4 months and I have drifted from my friends who are not in either of those worlds; so that may contribute to the "weird-ness" they feel.

The only purpose of this post is I guess to put it on paper and maybe putting it there will help me.

Dear Lord,

I ask that you remove this slump from me, I feel as its the devil trying to use the death of my grandmother to make me feel this way. Other than being more of a homebody I enjoy life, my friends, family.  I also ask that you be with Ann as she has to bury her daughter today and be with her step grand kids and her daughters husband.  Also ask that you be with my JB Yolanda as she is dealing with a personal issue that you know all about Lord. I also ask you be with K.P. Lord as she is dealing with personal conflicts and give them all 3 Lord a peace, understanding and comfort that can only come from you. Let them be open to your Love and will for them, help them to see what you have in store for them.  I ask that you be with my step daughter and you know all to well the issues that lye there and the hurts, pains and resentment. That is totally in your hard, and I ask that you will be done on that. I also ask that you find a right place for D in our lives, I know where D fits now is not where D should be, I ask that the process be painless. While i think D is where I want D to be, D should not be there. D is very important to us Lord, but you already know that. I ask that D still be our lives and as much apart of our lives as D has always been but that the feelings and hurts be push aside and D be who D should be. I know that to those reading this it may sound confusing but Lord you know who D is even if I did change the names to Protect them.

Forgive me for all my sin, for they are great as they are wide and I know I am forgiven help me to feel that forgiveness for the old sins that still bother me to this day.

I Love you,
Amen
Me...Carolyn...the one who rambles and is trying to find my way back to you :)