What I've never been able to do is see the full effects of how being raised by a Narcissist effected me more than most people realized. What can be seen is the physical scars on my arms and those don't even phase me how ever what cant be seen is the deep deep scars that have shaped how life, love, motherhood, dietary, friendship and relationship with God.
Wasn't until I needed to see a therapist to deal with another issue in my life did I see that living my life in fight or flight mode has damaged my thinking, how i react, my thoughts and feelings to things.
Living my life waiting on the other shoe to drip is exhausting and having someone point that out felt so intrusive but safe at the same time.
Not sure I know how to live in the moment, experience true joy or even rest.
If something good happens, expectation of something bad is coming follows soon after.
I have been living life on the edge for years that my jaw hurts from clenching, shoulders ache from constantly being braced, friendships ruined because leaping to worse chase scenarios is always happening.
Trusting someone fully is something Ive never been able to do, it always ends bad for me when someone is given that access. There has never been a safe place for me to land, Know our heavenly Father always provides a safe place to land, peace that surpasses all understanding...yet no matter how much I want to feel as if I cant trust it. Feel like I have to do this my self because my self is the only one I can trust.
Religion was used as a weapon growing up, demanded and forced to be in every event/group in our church. Attendance wasn't expected, it was forced and we were punished if it didn't happen. Bible verses were threw at me as fast as the belt hit my rear end, or hand to my face. Was told "See God didn't let that happen because you did XYZ and vengeance is His! He wont let you hurt me, I am a child of God!"
I may update this post later, just trying that took it out of me.
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