What it took from me

Its been two days since I put on my purple shirt and walked 3.5 miles in hope to find a cure. 

My oldest wanted to raise 1,000 for the Walk to End Alzheimer's 5K, She wanted a team to pound the pavement in memory of what we have all lost and in the hope that one day there will be a cure.

In all a team of 9 hit the streets of Dallas with about 3,657 other people dressed in purple carrying our flowers.  Its quite empowering to be apart of something so moving, everyone there had been touched by it, wanted to end it or had it.  Drivers going past often asked us what we were walking for. 

For me...I walked for granddaddy/Harold Delaney.  While I am completely beside my self in the fact that my preteen arranged, organized and fundraised 1,209.00 ( 209 past her goal) I am also sad. 

What Alzheimer's took from me.....

Alzheimer's took the man who I viewed larger than life, it took my confidante and a man who was the same on Sunday morning as he was Saturday night.

Of course as girls we tend to really love our daddies and grandfathers as they seem to spoil us more. The way I was spoiled was not in material things or money but in the confidence that I could conquer the world knowing that I always had someone covering my back.  I knew I was loved by him, I never guess where I stood...I honestly think I could do no wrong.  When I made mistakes he didn't yell at me or get mad, he loved me though them.  There wasn't anything I couldn't do, no goal unattainable and no bar to high.

Because of him I know what its like to truly be cherished for being just who you are. He loved me for just being me not what I done, could do or could provide to him. That's a powerful thing to lose.

I miss leaving their place and him grabbing me in a big hug and tell me with tears in his eyes with his voice breaking as he talked  and tell me " You come back now real soon you hear, its been too long"

In the 7yrs I watched him decline he never remembered me, I lost him first.  My daughter lost him later towards the end where he didn't even know her. To be honest he always thought the little girl was me...and I didn't tell her any different. I wanted her to experience the love, support and Gift that God had given us in that man. 

Once again as she lost him I felt a new pain, one that only a mother can feel when her child is hurt and we can do nothing to make it better. 

When he died...I was instantly mad and upset at him because I thought for sure just any second a cure would be found and he would be restored to us.  Those are thoughts of a little girl who don't want to let go.

My most favorite memory was about 6 months before he passed away he had broken his hip and at that point in the progression of Alzheimer's he would eat and forget to swallow then aspirate him self. So he had to be hand fed.  I was sitting on his bed feeding him and for a split second he looked at me, I knew with out a shadow of doubt he knew me. We talked for all of 2 second I told him I missed him and loved him, then he was gone back the familiar stare of unknowing. That small moment in time helped heal the loss I had been feeling for so many years. 2 second I believe were given to me by God.

When he was moved into a Alz facility I found a diary of his...he was about 18. I had this read at his funeral because it is quite profound and from what I knew of him he lived to be this type of man.  Reading the final sentence I find it ironic that yes memories can be stolen away and that his were.
This is not the full passage but a glimpse of it.
"Wealth is not measured by dollars and scents alone. Material Measure's is a poor measure of wealth. Spiritual Knowledge, happiness, imagination and golden memories are the components of real wealth. They can bring happiness, they are stoned in the mind where no thief can ever steal them. "

He passed way on November 19th 2012, right before his favorite holiday. He always told me thanksgiving was what Christmas should be.  Its about sitting around a table, sharing a meal and being with the ones you love. No pretense, no fictional people (santa) to talk about, no gifts need to be bought or received...you were thankful to God for what you had, who you had it with and to be thankful for Gods Son.

They say it gets better with time....I'm still waiting.